BDSM Safety 101

It’s a no brainer and yet we are all familiar with the saying common sense isn’t so common.  Just some things to think about. Kink and non-Kink safety shit that sometimes elude us because our attention is elsewhere or we never conceived the need in the first place. This does not include the pre-play negotiations. See Negotiations for more info. I am not an expert. I am not even certified kinky. I am just sharing my experiences. Do not take my word verbatim, I encourage you to research more. 

PRE SCENE SAFETY

  1. It’s all about the communication!!! Talk to your partner about everything and anything that may have entered your mind. 
  2. Intoxicated? Stop. Go Home. Try again. An intoxication of any kind dulls the senses. You can’t know how hard you are hitting or how hard you are being hit accurately and safely. So forget it.
  3. If you are about to play references should have been thoroughly checked by now. 
  4. Ensure moods/demeanor/physical wellness of both parties are conducive to play. If you aren’t feeling it. Just had an argument. Feeling low. Have a health issue. Inform your partner and make a decision as to whether or not a scene is a good idea. 
  5. Review your negotiated boundaries so they are clear to both of you. New to negotiating? see my 101 lists. 
  6. If you are using safe words (highly recommended for new partners and new adventures) go over them. As many times as you need to. 
  7. If your scene involves a gag where you may not be able to express a safe word ensure the object you are utilizing in lieu of said word is present. (see negotiating for more info)
  8. Go over your after-care plan. 
  9. Make sure you have a first aid kit, fire extinguisher, needle disposal bin, scissors and anything else you may require handy. If playing in a public space know where the venue you are attending keeps all that good shit. 
  10. Playing privately for the first time? Let someone know where you will be and, if possible, a list of your negotiated terms. 
  11. Have all necessary after-care items present. Look over your bags make sure they are ready to go and easily accessible. 

SCENE SAFETY

  1. Is first time playing together? Start slow, create a build up. It’s one thing to talk about trust another to establish it first hand. Taking the time to go slow not only helps lay the foundation of trust but also allows for both parties to savor the moment. There is nothing so amazing as the first time playing with someone, don’t rush that shit. 
  2. Check in with your bottom regularly. Bottom make sure your top knows you want the check in. Again this goes to establishing trust and care. It’s the first time, maybe the second time you’ve played together. You don’t know each other’s mannerisms, body language or expressions that well. Wanna learn? Check in and go slow. 
  3. Respect boundaries. Respect negotiated terms. There is no deviation from this. During the entire course of your scene never deviate from what was negotiated. If you are in the middle of a scene and have not agreed upon rolling negotiations (see negotiations) but you really feel comfortable doing something you may have said no to before, wait until the next time you play. There is no rush. They aren’t going anywhere. No need to fuck up a great scene by throwing in a dash of confusion. When you are in the zone, you are in the zone. Respect the zone. 
  4. Be present, mostly. The zone is a funny place, it allows you to succumb to the sensations and energy of the scene but it also can blind you, mute you and overwhelm you. As much as we all want to slip away into the bliss it is both parties duty to each other to keep at least one toe in reality. Once you have been playing with someone over an amount of time and you are more in tune with their ways than perhaps that toe may slip away too, but until then keep some of yourself present so you can communicate any and all issues that may arise. 
  5. Never fear using your safe word. It’s there for a purpose. Use it. Don’t worry about fucking up the scene. Don’t worry about being judged. This is your safety, your well-being, and your partners well-being as well. Keep silent does no one any good. 

AFTER CARE 

Aftercare is what is required physically, emotionally and mentally to ensure the well-being and the goodness are intact and all is good in both the Top and the bottom’s world when your scene is over. Often when discussing after-care, we tend to focus on the bottom. However being Top and speaking with other Tops I can tell you that there have been times that Top’s require a little aftercare too. Top’s put themselves in head spaces that can be just as difficult as a bottom’s head space. 

  1. Aftercare should be negotiated pre-scene, and after both parties know what the scene is going to entail. It’s premature to discuss what type of care is required when you don’t know what you will be doing.

2. There are some personal awareness and responsibility that comes with aftercare. You need to be able to know what you need in order to convey that effectively to your partner. If you are engaging in something new, voice what your “normal’ aftercare requirements are, and then ensure you mention you may require more or less because of the newness of the experience. 

3. Don’t hold back on your needs. We all have different needs and each one is valid and necessary to ensure you both of you walk away with the good feels. You are doing both you and your partner a HUGE disservice by withholding your needs after a scene. Not to mention opening the door for an unhealthy emotional/mental drop due to not making your wellbeing a priority. It’s unsafe and potentially damaging psychologically for both parties. 

4. Aftercare can come in many forms. Ice for bruising. Cuddles for connection. Chocolate to revive. A stuffed animal. A good conversation. It is a personal need.

5. Aftercare may be required well after a scene is done. Most people I know always check in with their partner 1-2 days after a scene, particularly if it was physically or mentally intense. Even if you  both walk away from a scene doing everything right that doesn’t always mean that the scene can’t creep up and have an effect on you. Two, three, even a week later  an intense emotional/psychological drop can occur. Your mood shifts, you notice your thoughts are taking you back to pieces of the scene. You find yourself unsure, unhappy, perhaps even confused or ashamed. Reach out to your partner.Talk to them. This is crucial.

6. Physical aftercare in the days after a scene is just as crucial. Bruises are all pretty and whatnot but they are still damage done to the body that requires attention. Make sure you take care of your “war wounds” keep and eye on them. Apply appropriate treatments (ice, healing creams etc) and if you notice something isn’t right. Tell your partner immediately and head to a doctor. Now hopefully you have a kink friendly doctor that you can be open with, but if you do not then I would suggest brainstorming with your partner for a plausible explanation that provides the doctor with the right information to treat you, without exposing you or your partner to potential legal ramifications.

I will follow that up with the insistence of using common sense. The above applies to something that “isn’t right” perhaps something isn’t healing like it usually does, or there is a new sensation/pain you are not accustomed to feeling. Slight offenses. However if you are experiencing something concerning like internal pain/bleeding, vomiting, incoherence, or loss of the ability to move appendages, basically shit you know isn’t fucking right then obviously come clean with your doctor. Explain your relationship and support each other. Nothing is worth risking your life or the potential for permanent damage. 

In the end, a great scene can be had by all if the time is taken to ensure all the pieces of the puzzle are out in the open and everyone is on the same page. In this world holding back can almost always ensure a horrid outcome that may result in permanent damage. No one wants that. So if you are going to play, be responsible and be honest communicators so you can both be the kinky fucks you are..safely. 

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